Hippy parenting

When I was pregnant with Little Lady (LL), hubby and I had many discussions about the kind of parents we wanted to be, what we would find acceptable and unacceptable, what we liked and didn't like about the way other people parent (I know that last bit sounds a bit judgmental but, if you're honest, you do the same). We knew we wanted to make our baby feel as loved, cared for and protected as possible - stands to reason, hey? - and we were very clear on following our hearts and instincts, rather than what books told us we should do or what the baby was supposed to be doing at X weeks-old.

So, enter LL. A beautiful 8lb 9oz of gorgeousness. Natural birth, no gas, air or drugs, and only a couple of paracetemols afterwards to get rid of a dehydrated headache - very natural. Not the water birth I had planned but natural nonetheless. She's all there, perfect and beautiful. Blessed.

We have the health visitors come round, check her over, all good.

Few months down the line, oh dear. LL decides she doesn't much like napping during the day. What to do? Pop her in a sling, she sleeps. "Don't do that," say well meaning friends and family, "what about your rest time? Try taking her for a walk in the pram." She doesn't like it, wakes up screaming. Pop her in a sling, she sleeps. "You're making a rod for your own back" say those friends and family again. "She'll always want you".

"She'll always want you."

Does that not sound a bit weird? Like, I'm a new mum and she is not supposed to want me for security? Like she's been growing inside of me for nine months, all cosy and comfy, and she's now not supposed to hear my heart beat or feel my breath?

On we go. We get to the magical six months. The time when everyone says "Oh, she'll start sleeping really well now." Well, you know LL does not like sleep at night now. We go to regular weigh in sessions at the local Sure Start centres (amazing places, definitely recommend them) but each time we are asked about her sleep and are honest, we get the same response "Leave her to cry, she's doing it to manipulate you, she should be sleeping through by now."

Hubby and I are not cry it out fans. Or controlled crying. Why would you leave a baby to cry, when you know it needs you? How very cruel! You wouldn't leave your partner, sister, mum crying for any length of time, so why do it to a child? No, not for us. (I'll post more about this another time).

So we move her into her own room (very nerve wracking time for any new parent who's had their LL by the side of their bed for the last six months) with the thought that she may just want her own space... and she slept OK the first few nights. Then, woah! Suddenly, we are back to 15 or 20 wake ups in the space between 8pm and 2am. Not. Nice. At. All. Family Broodylicious are not in a good way!

So we start co sleeping. Aaaaah, hello sleep time! She's with us and she sleeps. Happy happy happy.

But if we mention it to anyone, we are given that rolled eye, the little tut and "Rod for your own back" warning again. Friends even say we are preventing her from sleep by doing this. So we don't even mention it anymore because, frankly, we know our child and we do what we feel is right by her.

I guess this post is really to say to any new parents, or those who are soon to be parents, that it's OK to listen to your instincts and hearts. The likes of Gina Ford - apparently a guru when she doesn't even have children of her own?! - have sold thousands of books on telling you how to parent, when really, it's down to you to find your own way. Don't be ashamed of bucking the trend and doing what you feel is right for your child.

Luis Suarez - cheats never prosper

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/28053513

I'm not one to relish in the delight of the downfall of others - I despise people who do that with such effortless joy - but it looks as though the world is catching up with Luis Suarez. It's remarkable he's managed to get to this point without any major bans after some truly disgraceful behaviour, so I for one am pleased that FIFA finally saw fit to deal out his punishment. Looks as though he's losing the support of his sponsor too, which again is proof that cheats never prosper.

I can't talk much more about football as I'm still really rather sore about England's pitiful boot out of the World Cup, so I'll leave it there!

The joys of parenthood

Chris Hoy, Olympic champion, is going to be a dad! He has said he's probably being "blindly optimistic that it'll be great fun and dead easy". Yes, sweet, you are. It's the toughest job I've ever willingly taken on! However, I do think if he's been used to thrashing his body about in the name of sport and winning medals for GB, he's probably going to quite well set up for it. Many parents will know, it's not always your physical health that takes a battering when you get launched into parenthood though. Sleep deprivation can do horrible things to your mind. So I say good luck, Chris, but don't expect a thing and you'll be fine.

Talking of parenthood, I saw a fantastic piece on BBC Watchdog the other night. A reporter was talking about all the little annoyances you notice when you are blessed with a little bundle of joy. The Bounty lady bombarding you with photographic options while recovering from labour is certainly one that resonated with me. I was in hospital for two nights and the rep must have come to me at least four times. I don't want a sodding photograph right now thank you, I'm feeling awful and looking far worse! Then she moved on to car parking spaces that are allocated for parent and child but are often blocked by those with no children. Oh how this rattles my cage! Yesterday, I went to Ikea (looking for things to fill our new home with - more on the house moving saga another day) and managed to get into a parent and child spot for the first time ever. It's so much easier to get out our daughter in those extra wide spaces and I don't need to worry about bashing the neighbouring car. As I was helping our little lady out of the car, however, a car pulled into the space next to me... out pops grandma, grandad and mummy... with a girl that was clearly ten. How does she need extra space?!? Infuriating for the lady with a baby who will miss out on that spot.

The Watchdog reporter also covered how supermarkets put a load of confectionery at the tills, in one final bid to make you part with your cash. She said her toddler always wanted this chocolate bar, that packet of sweets and she found it a total nightmare to pay up and get out of the shop before he had a breakdown or she gave in. Thankfully, we don't have this issue because we are one of *those* parents who don't give our child a load of refined sugar - she's had chocolate twice, but never sweets or those horrific Fruit Shoots drinks - but I did have sympathy with her situation and she must be delighted that some of the supermarkets have agreed to remove such treats from the till areas.

Miscarriage

I lost our baby.

At 12 weeks and, ever so cruelly, just hours before our first scan, I lost our baby.

Even though I'd even hinted in my first post that I didn't think all was well, total devastation took over on that horrible day and has been hanging over us for a long while since.

Miscarriage is horrifically common - one in four pregnancies end in fetal death - but even though these statistics are there and you probably know at least a couple of people who've been through one or more, it does not prepare you for the hurt, anguish, pain and guilt that arrives when it's your turn.

Was it me? Did I eat something? Do something? When could it have happened? Was it when I tumbled at soft play? Was it that time I slept on my tummy? Ate coleslaw without checking it was safe to do so?

You can't help but question yourself.

But unfortunately - or maybe fortunately - you'll very rarely find out what the exact cause of death was. Early on, in the first 12 weeks, the majority of miscarriage is put down to chromosomal defects. The baby just isn't quite wired right for life on this planet.

And that brings you to then think, as the healing starts to take over, maybe it was for the best that our little angel has passed. Life limiting illnesses, disabilities, learning difficulties - that's no life for a child or their families.

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely anti abortion and would never "dispose" of a child just because *I*couldn't cope - that's selfish, stupid and wrong. But, I would not want to bring a child into this world knowing he or she was going to live for just a small amount of time or be riddled with all types of illnesses for all of their life. I think that's equally selfish. And in our case, having a two year old already, I don't think it would be fair on her.

But none of this crosses your mind as the days melt into one, the dark hole of grieving for your baby. The little bundle of gorgeousness that you wanted so desperately to hold in your arms and watch grow and develop. The baby you'd already given names to, chosen how you were going to announce he or she was growing in your tummy and then, eventually, that joyous day when you can finally show him or her off to the world.

Gone. In an instant.

It's said that time is a great healer and I'm finding that to be true. Sixteen weeks has passed and we are moving on and although I'll never forget our baby that was too beautiful for this earth, our thoughts are now turning to trying again. Our daughter remains a constant source of love and happiness and I thank every lucky star that we have her in our lives.