"I thought it would be better for you...."

A few weeks ago, I should have been giving birth to the baby I lost in February. The day was not surprisingly quite difficult, although made better by the fact we were on holiday in the beautiful Isle of Wight and staying at such an amazing cottage in Shanklin.

Six months on, I feel more at ease with the loss although I will never ever fully heal from the scars. And neither do I want to because that would mean I'd forgotten about our baby that was too beautiful for this world.

However, this whole process has certainly opened up my eyes to how other people treat you when they know you've miscarried. Or, more specifically, how they just don't understand the pain. Even more specifically, how they then seem to want to rub it in that they've had no issues with getting and staying pregnant.

I have a friend (she's not a friend really, as you'll discover in a few sentences along...) who invited me round to her house in the summer holidays. I had an inkling there was a reason for the invite.

Turns out she's pregnant. OK. So I'm not upset by that fact. She tried, it worked, happy days for her, cute womb picture to show for it, off to the antenatal appointments, complaining about fatigue and sickness etc, then worries about the birth. No problem at all. It happens every day, just because I'm not pregnant doesn't mean no one else can have a baby.

What upset me was this sentence she delivered after the "woooo I'm having another baby" thing: "I thought it would be better telling you face to face about my happy news because after your sad news, you'd be able to deal with it better than reading an email or seeing it on Facebook."

So she had specifically invited me - and two other ladies who have recently miscarried - to her house to gloat. Face to face.

It was a premeditated act. Well thought out and executed.

So she had honestly thought that it would better for me - her friend, apparently - to have to fake a smile and congratulatory words in front of her instead of have a selfish little cry behind a laptop or iPhone screen reading the news in an email.

Really?! How heartless and cruel can you be?! If there hadn't have been the justification of an invite to her house "because it would be better to have been told face to face", I'd have no issue. Instead, she looks ever so catty and disrespectful of what has been a friggin awful time in my life!

I can't explain the heartache of miscarriage and subsequent baby bombs because unless you've been there, you honestly won't know. What I can say is that if you get pregnant and have to break the news to a friend who has recently lost a baby, PLEASE do not do it like she did.

We have a new home!

So finally, after months of wrangling with solicitors, faffing with FENSA certificates and generally pulling out our hair, we are in our new home.

Move day was hectic and exhausting but our beautiful Little Lady was amazing and didn't seem to be phased by the whole thing. My mum/her nanny did a great job of looking after her and they both enjoyed playing with the boxes.

Little Lady has an interesting feature in her new bedroom - a circle window. Oh yeah, just like the one they used to have on Playschool. Remember that from our youth?! Classic. Anyway, she loves it and has settled very well in her new house.

We've been here for nine weeks today. It took all of nine hours to feel as though we were home. It's just that sort of place.

New neighbours are amazing, will have to write a post about them another time because they definitely deserve a whole post to themselves.

So it's the fun bit now, where we are pulling out kitchen cupboards that haven't changed since 1958, a wetroom that is frankly disgusting and we have to have the whole place rewired.

But it is all good fun and we are loving doing it.

Now, where is that wallpaper stripper...

Am I pregnant?

Well. Chuff knows. I've spent a lot of money on pregnancy tests recently, I do know that much!

I just don't feel right at the moment and have very classic early signs of pregnancy - for me anyway. A bloated, heavy feeling in my tummy, feeling quite sick at times, my nostrils are crazily sensitive, my boobs are a bit sore (not good when I'm a tummy sleeper), funny stretching and cramping in my lower tummy and I am totally exhausted. Although I feel as though I have to ignore that last symptom because ever since we have had LL, I've been exhausted due to her being an horrendous sleeper!

I did an early response test the other night and there was a very faint line there. I've since tested again and might have seen another faint line.

I did a Clear Blue Digital a few days ago too and it starkly told me "Not pregnant". Feels so harsh, those words, made me quite grumpy if I'm honest.

Today, I feel just as bad and tired, even with a cheeky hour long sleep in bed after we came back from Ikea.

So of course, I thought, oh what the heck, I'll test again. First Response again. Nada. Another negative.

I really don't know what's going on. Maybe I had imagined things on the tests with lines - I am tired, did I mention that? - or maybe I'm just testing too early and my HCG levels aren't yet high enough.

With the impending house move and this "am I/aren't I?" hanging over me, I'm getting more and more wound up by the day. I'm trying not to think about it and just let nature take its cause.

But it's so difficult.

Twin Lakes - perfect for toddlers

Slightly later than I'd hoped (thanks to stupid solicitors causing stress and anguish! I am never moving house again!)....

We travelled over to Melton Mowbray last week to Twin Lakes. It was our first time to a theme park with LL and so we were a little apprehensive. It cost £16 per adult and free if you're under 110cm tall (which LL is). The park is smack bang in the middle of the beautiful Leicestershire countryside so the views, even in the car park, were fabulous.

As soon as we got out of the car, we could hear the unmistakable noise of a theme park - the screams from those adventurous enough to get on the rides!

We made our way round, just ambling along, and taking it all in. There are lots of different zones and the rides are all themed to fit in with the zone.

The American zone was great for LL. There's a small lake with bumper boats, complete with a Statue of Liberty looking on. She went on with daddy and loved it. Next up was a pleasurable looking carousel, called Dune Buggies, so I strapped LL in the front and I sat in behind her and waved to daddy... who, looking back, looked rather smug... Then it started going round and I understood his expression. He'd got away with this ride! Blimey, it was horrid! Up and down, jerky bounces all the way around for far too long! Of course, being a mummy, you can't say that so I was full of "oooooooh" and "weeeeeee" and "Uuuuupppp" while LL was looking totally perplexed! When it stopped, she cried her little eyes out, poor thing. "Not like that mummy" came the obvious response....

Next, she went on the caterpillar roller coaster with daddy. She looked quite content going around and I got some nice pics. But the response "Poppy not like that, mummy". Oh dear.

Further around, we came to the Red Rooster Farm. This is definitely more LL's style (and mummy's). Plenty of animals for her to coo over and they all looked well and healthy. Her favourite by far was the black billy goat, closely followed by all the pet shop classics (Twin Lakes has a pet shop license so you can leave with a rabbit or guinea pig if you should so please!)

For lunch, we went into one of the barn buildings. We always take LL some food with us as she is notoriously a rubbish eater (perhaps a post on that some other time) so she was fine munching away. There was a lot of areas for picnics, both inside and out, so we didn't feel as though we were being bad for giving her her own food, while we tucked in to sweet chilli chicken wraps and fries.

I have never seen so many soft play areas than at Twin Lakes. Really fantastic, especially as you consider the amount of rubbish days (weather wise) we get here. There was also a plethora of indoor rides for her to choose from. There was also the staple grabber machines too. Toilet and changing facilities were both clean and presentable.

There's also a heap of outdoor park areas, many of which include swings, slides, climbing frames etc. All in good order and many of them, so even in high summer, I can't imagine you'd be waiting around for a turn. LL loves the park so most of the afternoon was spent on various parks.

Her favourite ride came just before we left - the ride on horses. She went round four times, both with myself and hubby, and was loving it. She cried when we said no more!

So, we definitely will go again. Hopefully, she'll be a bit more adventurous next time and enjoy more rides though!

Theme park fun!

We've decided to take a break from the packing and boxing up tomorrow and head to a local theme park. We're blessed in this area and have several options. We've never been as parents before, though, and so it's a whole new ball game!

I've already scouted around looking at what rides LL may like - and daddy! It appears that all the places we are considering have farms or zoos attached as well, which I know we will all like. Who can resist a meerkat here or a goat there, after all?!

Our options are Twin Lakes or Drayton Manor. We have Cbeebies Land at Alton Towers close by too but we want to save that for a day out with my sister and her little boy.

So, it's a work day for me today, while husband and LL have a fun day together and then we will be reunited for a lovely family day tomorrow.

Can't wait! Reviews to follow!

The Baby Bump Bomb

It's been nearly 18 weeks since I lost our baby.

Things have been tough here, I won't lie.

I'm so incredibly lucky to have a beautiful, healthy LL but that doesn't take away the hurt of not having the baby bump I should have had by now. I'd only have had a matter of weeks left to pop and meet the bump who I'd have blamed for heartburn and sickness for the last 30 weeks (I suffered dreadfully while carrying LL but she was so worth it).

Of course, I don't begrudge people happiness and their dream ending to their TTC journey and I'm happy for those who get their little bumps that turn into bundles of beautifulness (because of my anonymity, I can make up words here, normally I'm such a grammar and spelling freak!)

But it's not making easy viewing when I click or tap on to my Facebook or Instagram right now.

One of my old antenatal friends posted a picture on Facebook today announcing her pregnancy. Instead of the standard "here's what's inside my womb" photo, she's gone with a more cryptic image of her son standing up in her bed with an Eviction Notice for January 2015, due to a new inhabitant. I don't approve of the image (it's my hippy parenting!) but I'm pleased for them.

But that then gets me thinking about how I'd have broken the news..... oh, who am I fooling! Ha! As if I hadn't had that planned the second I saw that glorious second line appearing on my pregnancy test!!! (I shan't spoil the surprise, I'll post it here if and when it happens!)

And then there's the multitude of gorgeous baby pics from other friends - "three months old today" or "eight weeks and first smile" the proud mamas say.

Argh. So jealous.

In my previous pregnancy, I did post a regular pic of my bump growing and I did do the normal womb pic but now I've gone through the heartache of a miscarriage, I just know I won't be like that next time around. I would hate for my female friends who may be desperate to be pregnant or have suffered a miscarriage to see my wobbly bits getting wobblier and constant reminders of what they want so badly.

New home... complete with death certificate

We are due to be moving house soon, hopefully this month if the solicitors do their job quickly (why is it they work at the rate of snails?!) The house we are buying needs an awful lot of work but it's got so much potential and we love the location - close to an excellent school for LL and maybe any other bubba who, God willing, will come along in the future.

We have received all the contracts and paperwork now so we are in a waiting game until exchange. We're keeping everything crossed for a swift move as our buyer is putting pressure on us and, of course, we just want to get moved in now!

Amongst the paperwork that came from our solicitors was all the normal stuff, like property rights and maps of where the sewage pipes are etc. What I wasn't expecting, however, was a copy of a death certificate to be popped in there!

I am a believer in ghosts and spirits - not sure if it's because I want to think that many of the souls I've lost in my life are still hanging around me or if I want to believe that psychics like Sally Morgan and Derek Acorah haven't been having me on for years ;) - so I was a bit freaked out when I saw the certificate, noting that poor James Finch had died at his house in 1981. New Years Eve as well, so incredibly cruel.

I'm imagining that he passed in his - soon to be our! - bedroom but of course I don't know this and I would never ask any of his family, who have kept on to the house through the generations since.

Let's just hope he was a gentle soul and will look out for us and protect us in his home.

Hippy parenting

When I was pregnant with Little Lady (LL), hubby and I had many discussions about the kind of parents we wanted to be, what we would find acceptable and unacceptable, what we liked and didn't like about the way other people parent (I know that last bit sounds a bit judgmental but, if you're honest, you do the same). We knew we wanted to make our baby feel as loved, cared for and protected as possible - stands to reason, hey? - and we were very clear on following our hearts and instincts, rather than what books told us we should do or what the baby was supposed to be doing at X weeks-old.

So, enter LL. A beautiful 8lb 9oz of gorgeousness. Natural birth, no gas, air or drugs, and only a couple of paracetemols afterwards to get rid of a dehydrated headache - very natural. Not the water birth I had planned but natural nonetheless. She's all there, perfect and beautiful. Blessed.

We have the health visitors come round, check her over, all good.

Few months down the line, oh dear. LL decides she doesn't much like napping during the day. What to do? Pop her in a sling, she sleeps. "Don't do that," say well meaning friends and family, "what about your rest time? Try taking her for a walk in the pram." She doesn't like it, wakes up screaming. Pop her in a sling, she sleeps. "You're making a rod for your own back" say those friends and family again. "She'll always want you".

"She'll always want you."

Does that not sound a bit weird? Like, I'm a new mum and she is not supposed to want me for security? Like she's been growing inside of me for nine months, all cosy and comfy, and she's now not supposed to hear my heart beat or feel my breath?

On we go. We get to the magical six months. The time when everyone says "Oh, she'll start sleeping really well now." Well, you know LL does not like sleep at night now. We go to regular weigh in sessions at the local Sure Start centres (amazing places, definitely recommend them) but each time we are asked about her sleep and are honest, we get the same response "Leave her to cry, she's doing it to manipulate you, she should be sleeping through by now."

Hubby and I are not cry it out fans. Or controlled crying. Why would you leave a baby to cry, when you know it needs you? How very cruel! You wouldn't leave your partner, sister, mum crying for any length of time, so why do it to a child? No, not for us. (I'll post more about this another time).

So we move her into her own room (very nerve wracking time for any new parent who's had their LL by the side of their bed for the last six months) with the thought that she may just want her own space... and she slept OK the first few nights. Then, woah! Suddenly, we are back to 15 or 20 wake ups in the space between 8pm and 2am. Not. Nice. At. All. Family Broodylicious are not in a good way!

So we start co sleeping. Aaaaah, hello sleep time! She's with us and she sleeps. Happy happy happy.

But if we mention it to anyone, we are given that rolled eye, the little tut and "Rod for your own back" warning again. Friends even say we are preventing her from sleep by doing this. So we don't even mention it anymore because, frankly, we know our child and we do what we feel is right by her.

I guess this post is really to say to any new parents, or those who are soon to be parents, that it's OK to listen to your instincts and hearts. The likes of Gina Ford - apparently a guru when she doesn't even have children of her own?! - have sold thousands of books on telling you how to parent, when really, it's down to you to find your own way. Don't be ashamed of bucking the trend and doing what you feel is right for your child.

Luis Suarez - cheats never prosper

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/28053513

I'm not one to relish in the delight of the downfall of others - I despise people who do that with such effortless joy - but it looks as though the world is catching up with Luis Suarez. It's remarkable he's managed to get to this point without any major bans after some truly disgraceful behaviour, so I for one am pleased that FIFA finally saw fit to deal out his punishment. Looks as though he's losing the support of his sponsor too, which again is proof that cheats never prosper.

I can't talk much more about football as I'm still really rather sore about England's pitiful boot out of the World Cup, so I'll leave it there!

The joys of parenthood

Chris Hoy, Olympic champion, is going to be a dad! He has said he's probably being "blindly optimistic that it'll be great fun and dead easy". Yes, sweet, you are. It's the toughest job I've ever willingly taken on! However, I do think if he's been used to thrashing his body about in the name of sport and winning medals for GB, he's probably going to quite well set up for it. Many parents will know, it's not always your physical health that takes a battering when you get launched into parenthood though. Sleep deprivation can do horrible things to your mind. So I say good luck, Chris, but don't expect a thing and you'll be fine.

Talking of parenthood, I saw a fantastic piece on BBC Watchdog the other night. A reporter was talking about all the little annoyances you notice when you are blessed with a little bundle of joy. The Bounty lady bombarding you with photographic options while recovering from labour is certainly one that resonated with me. I was in hospital for two nights and the rep must have come to me at least four times. I don't want a sodding photograph right now thank you, I'm feeling awful and looking far worse! Then she moved on to car parking spaces that are allocated for parent and child but are often blocked by those with no children. Oh how this rattles my cage! Yesterday, I went to Ikea (looking for things to fill our new home with - more on the house moving saga another day) and managed to get into a parent and child spot for the first time ever. It's so much easier to get out our daughter in those extra wide spaces and I don't need to worry about bashing the neighbouring car. As I was helping our little lady out of the car, however, a car pulled into the space next to me... out pops grandma, grandad and mummy... with a girl that was clearly ten. How does she need extra space?!? Infuriating for the lady with a baby who will miss out on that spot.

The Watchdog reporter also covered how supermarkets put a load of confectionery at the tills, in one final bid to make you part with your cash. She said her toddler always wanted this chocolate bar, that packet of sweets and she found it a total nightmare to pay up and get out of the shop before he had a breakdown or she gave in. Thankfully, we don't have this issue because we are one of *those* parents who don't give our child a load of refined sugar - she's had chocolate twice, but never sweets or those horrific Fruit Shoots drinks - but I did have sympathy with her situation and she must be delighted that some of the supermarkets have agreed to remove such treats from the till areas.

Miscarriage

I lost our baby.

At 12 weeks and, ever so cruelly, just hours before our first scan, I lost our baby.

Even though I'd even hinted in my first post that I didn't think all was well, total devastation took over on that horrible day and has been hanging over us for a long while since.

Miscarriage is horrifically common - one in four pregnancies end in fetal death - but even though these statistics are there and you probably know at least a couple of people who've been through one or more, it does not prepare you for the hurt, anguish, pain and guilt that arrives when it's your turn.

Was it me? Did I eat something? Do something? When could it have happened? Was it when I tumbled at soft play? Was it that time I slept on my tummy? Ate coleslaw without checking it was safe to do so?

You can't help but question yourself.

But unfortunately - or maybe fortunately - you'll very rarely find out what the exact cause of death was. Early on, in the first 12 weeks, the majority of miscarriage is put down to chromosomal defects. The baby just isn't quite wired right for life on this planet.

And that brings you to then think, as the healing starts to take over, maybe it was for the best that our little angel has passed. Life limiting illnesses, disabilities, learning difficulties - that's no life for a child or their families.

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely anti abortion and would never "dispose" of a child just because *I*couldn't cope - that's selfish, stupid and wrong. But, I would not want to bring a child into this world knowing he or she was going to live for just a small amount of time or be riddled with all types of illnesses for all of their life. I think that's equally selfish. And in our case, having a two year old already, I don't think it would be fair on her.

But none of this crosses your mind as the days melt into one, the dark hole of grieving for your baby. The little bundle of gorgeousness that you wanted so desperately to hold in your arms and watch grow and develop. The baby you'd already given names to, chosen how you were going to announce he or she was growing in your tummy and then, eventually, that joyous day when you can finally show him or her off to the world.

Gone. In an instant.

It's said that time is a great healer and I'm finding that to be true. Sixteen weeks has passed and we are moving on and although I'll never forget our baby that was too beautiful for this earth, our thoughts are now turning to trying again. Our daughter remains a constant source of love and happiness and I thank every lucky star that we have her in our lives.

First post

Sitting with a decaf coffee and pondering life, I can't quite believe I've got an empty and quiet house. For now at least. Which is why I'm taking this opportunity to start my first blog.

I'm a mummy to a nearly two year old darling daughter and have recently discovered we are expecting our second baba in September. It's early days and no-one, bar my husband and my midwife, are aware of our exciting news.

I've been lucky not to have experienced the dreadful morning sickness I had with my first and so life has been able to continue pretty much as normal in the last few months since we conceived. I have waves of nausea, there's smells in that fridge that I just can't cope with some days and I gagged on mango and pineapple yesterday (think it was the texture) but generally I'm doing OK.

I say OK but really, truly and honestly, I'm riddled with worry. As I've not had the sickness, I've naturally been concerned that all is not well. The midwife and the lovely ladies I chat to on Mumsnet have been a good support though and, quite rightly, say that every pregnancy is different and not to panic. It's hard though.

Can't wait for the 12 week scan to be here so I can have a glimpse of the little person I'm (hopefully) growing and - just as exciting - to share the news with our nearest and dearest.