Hello again world! We're having a baby!

After months of being absent, I've decided I want to pick up my blogging again. I'm hoping to make this a more regular thing.

So, from previous posts, it's no secret we suffered our heartbreaking miscarriage. It is still a difficult memory for us, as milestones come and go. But there is a silver lining..... I'm pregnant!!

In fact, I've got less than ten weeks to go now until the due date.

From the second I got that second line on the pregnancy test, I've worried about going through the absolute sheer horror of losing the baby again.

To get to the 12 week scan was the first hurdle because I had the horrid misfortune of losing the baby just a few hours before my scheduled 12 week scan last time. I needn't have worried because baby was happy and dancing away in there. Perhaps dancing too much, in fact, because the sonographer was unable to get the measurements she needed to detect any chromosomal issues, like Downs Syndrome! So, instead I had the quad blood test instead; I wish I hadn't because the results came back as 1:85 chance of Downs, which is classed as high risk. It didn't and doesn't make any difference to us because we don't believe in abortion but it has caused a little worry every now and then.

So roll on the 20 week anomaly scan, where we'd be looking for any further "markers" for Downs. Luckily, baby was a little more well behaved and the sonographer could take the measurements she needed. All looked well and so we just hope the blood test was skewed.

Oh, and throughout all of this, I had chronic morning (ha! all day more like!) sickness until 24/25 weeks! Plus dreadful restless leg syndrome which has prevented me from sleeping many many nights.

But, despite all the worry and not so glam symptoms, I think I may have complained twice. It's such a wonderful, beautiful blessing to be pregnant again and so I am generally welcoming the pains, strains and aches that come with growing a baby.

"I thought it would be better for you...."

A few weeks ago, I should have been giving birth to the baby I lost in February. The day was not surprisingly quite difficult, although made better by the fact we were on holiday in the beautiful Isle of Wight and staying at such an amazing cottage in Shanklin.

Six months on, I feel more at ease with the loss although I will never ever fully heal from the scars. And neither do I want to because that would mean I'd forgotten about our baby that was too beautiful for this world.

However, this whole process has certainly opened up my eyes to how other people treat you when they know you've miscarried. Or, more specifically, how they just don't understand the pain. Even more specifically, how they then seem to want to rub it in that they've had no issues with getting and staying pregnant.

I have a friend (she's not a friend really, as you'll discover in a few sentences along...) who invited me round to her house in the summer holidays. I had an inkling there was a reason for the invite.

Turns out she's pregnant. OK. So I'm not upset by that fact. She tried, it worked, happy days for her, cute womb picture to show for it, off to the antenatal appointments, complaining about fatigue and sickness etc, then worries about the birth. No problem at all. It happens every day, just because I'm not pregnant doesn't mean no one else can have a baby.

What upset me was this sentence she delivered after the "woooo I'm having another baby" thing: "I thought it would be better telling you face to face about my happy news because after your sad news, you'd be able to deal with it better than reading an email or seeing it on Facebook."

So she had specifically invited me - and two other ladies who have recently miscarried - to her house to gloat. Face to face.

It was a premeditated act. Well thought out and executed.

So she had honestly thought that it would better for me - her friend, apparently - to have to fake a smile and congratulatory words in front of her instead of have a selfish little cry behind a laptop or iPhone screen reading the news in an email.

Really?! How heartless and cruel can you be?! If there hadn't have been the justification of an invite to her house "because it would be better to have been told face to face", I'd have no issue. Instead, she looks ever so catty and disrespectful of what has been a friggin awful time in my life!

I can't explain the heartache of miscarriage and subsequent baby bombs because unless you've been there, you honestly won't know. What I can say is that if you get pregnant and have to break the news to a friend who has recently lost a baby, PLEASE do not do it like she did.

We have a new home!

So finally, after months of wrangling with solicitors, faffing with FENSA certificates and generally pulling out our hair, we are in our new home.

Move day was hectic and exhausting but our beautiful Little Lady was amazing and didn't seem to be phased by the whole thing. My mum/her nanny did a great job of looking after her and they both enjoyed playing with the boxes.

Little Lady has an interesting feature in her new bedroom - a circle window. Oh yeah, just like the one they used to have on Playschool. Remember that from our youth?! Classic. Anyway, she loves it and has settled very well in her new house.

We've been here for nine weeks today. It took all of nine hours to feel as though we were home. It's just that sort of place.

New neighbours are amazing, will have to write a post about them another time because they definitely deserve a whole post to themselves.

So it's the fun bit now, where we are pulling out kitchen cupboards that haven't changed since 1958, a wetroom that is frankly disgusting and we have to have the whole place rewired.

But it is all good fun and we are loving doing it.

Now, where is that wallpaper stripper...

Am I pregnant?

Well. Chuff knows. I've spent a lot of money on pregnancy tests recently, I do know that much!

I just don't feel right at the moment and have very classic early signs of pregnancy - for me anyway. A bloated, heavy feeling in my tummy, feeling quite sick at times, my nostrils are crazily sensitive, my boobs are a bit sore (not good when I'm a tummy sleeper), funny stretching and cramping in my lower tummy and I am totally exhausted. Although I feel as though I have to ignore that last symptom because ever since we have had LL, I've been exhausted due to her being an horrendous sleeper!

I did an early response test the other night and there was a very faint line there. I've since tested again and might have seen another faint line.

I did a Clear Blue Digital a few days ago too and it starkly told me "Not pregnant". Feels so harsh, those words, made me quite grumpy if I'm honest.

Today, I feel just as bad and tired, even with a cheeky hour long sleep in bed after we came back from Ikea.

So of course, I thought, oh what the heck, I'll test again. First Response again. Nada. Another negative.

I really don't know what's going on. Maybe I had imagined things on the tests with lines - I am tired, did I mention that? - or maybe I'm just testing too early and my HCG levels aren't yet high enough.

With the impending house move and this "am I/aren't I?" hanging over me, I'm getting more and more wound up by the day. I'm trying not to think about it and just let nature take its cause.

But it's so difficult.

Twin Lakes - perfect for toddlers

Slightly later than I'd hoped (thanks to stupid solicitors causing stress and anguish! I am never moving house again!)....

We travelled over to Melton Mowbray last week to Twin Lakes. It was our first time to a theme park with LL and so we were a little apprehensive. It cost £16 per adult and free if you're under 110cm tall (which LL is). The park is smack bang in the middle of the beautiful Leicestershire countryside so the views, even in the car park, were fabulous.

As soon as we got out of the car, we could hear the unmistakable noise of a theme park - the screams from those adventurous enough to get on the rides!

We made our way round, just ambling along, and taking it all in. There are lots of different zones and the rides are all themed to fit in with the zone.

The American zone was great for LL. There's a small lake with bumper boats, complete with a Statue of Liberty looking on. She went on with daddy and loved it. Next up was a pleasurable looking carousel, called Dune Buggies, so I strapped LL in the front and I sat in behind her and waved to daddy... who, looking back, looked rather smug... Then it started going round and I understood his expression. He'd got away with this ride! Blimey, it was horrid! Up and down, jerky bounces all the way around for far too long! Of course, being a mummy, you can't say that so I was full of "oooooooh" and "weeeeeee" and "Uuuuupppp" while LL was looking totally perplexed! When it stopped, she cried her little eyes out, poor thing. "Not like that mummy" came the obvious response....

Next, she went on the caterpillar roller coaster with daddy. She looked quite content going around and I got some nice pics. But the response "Poppy not like that, mummy". Oh dear.

Further around, we came to the Red Rooster Farm. This is definitely more LL's style (and mummy's). Plenty of animals for her to coo over and they all looked well and healthy. Her favourite by far was the black billy goat, closely followed by all the pet shop classics (Twin Lakes has a pet shop license so you can leave with a rabbit or guinea pig if you should so please!)

For lunch, we went into one of the barn buildings. We always take LL some food with us as she is notoriously a rubbish eater (perhaps a post on that some other time) so she was fine munching away. There was a lot of areas for picnics, both inside and out, so we didn't feel as though we were being bad for giving her her own food, while we tucked in to sweet chilli chicken wraps and fries.

I have never seen so many soft play areas than at Twin Lakes. Really fantastic, especially as you consider the amount of rubbish days (weather wise) we get here. There was also a plethora of indoor rides for her to choose from. There was also the staple grabber machines too. Toilet and changing facilities were both clean and presentable.

There's also a heap of outdoor park areas, many of which include swings, slides, climbing frames etc. All in good order and many of them, so even in high summer, I can't imagine you'd be waiting around for a turn. LL loves the park so most of the afternoon was spent on various parks.

Her favourite ride came just before we left - the ride on horses. She went round four times, both with myself and hubby, and was loving it. She cried when we said no more!

So, we definitely will go again. Hopefully, she'll be a bit more adventurous next time and enjoy more rides though!

Theme park fun!

We've decided to take a break from the packing and boxing up tomorrow and head to a local theme park. We're blessed in this area and have several options. We've never been as parents before, though, and so it's a whole new ball game!

I've already scouted around looking at what rides LL may like - and daddy! It appears that all the places we are considering have farms or zoos attached as well, which I know we will all like. Who can resist a meerkat here or a goat there, after all?!

Our options are Twin Lakes or Drayton Manor. We have Cbeebies Land at Alton Towers close by too but we want to save that for a day out with my sister and her little boy.

So, it's a work day for me today, while husband and LL have a fun day together and then we will be reunited for a lovely family day tomorrow.

Can't wait! Reviews to follow!

The Baby Bump Bomb

It's been nearly 18 weeks since I lost our baby.

Things have been tough here, I won't lie.

I'm so incredibly lucky to have a beautiful, healthy LL but that doesn't take away the hurt of not having the baby bump I should have had by now. I'd only have had a matter of weeks left to pop and meet the bump who I'd have blamed for heartburn and sickness for the last 30 weeks (I suffered dreadfully while carrying LL but she was so worth it).

Of course, I don't begrudge people happiness and their dream ending to their TTC journey and I'm happy for those who get their little bumps that turn into bundles of beautifulness (because of my anonymity, I can make up words here, normally I'm such a grammar and spelling freak!)

But it's not making easy viewing when I click or tap on to my Facebook or Instagram right now.

One of my old antenatal friends posted a picture on Facebook today announcing her pregnancy. Instead of the standard "here's what's inside my womb" photo, she's gone with a more cryptic image of her son standing up in her bed with an Eviction Notice for January 2015, due to a new inhabitant. I don't approve of the image (it's my hippy parenting!) but I'm pleased for them.

But that then gets me thinking about how I'd have broken the news..... oh, who am I fooling! Ha! As if I hadn't had that planned the second I saw that glorious second line appearing on my pregnancy test!!! (I shan't spoil the surprise, I'll post it here if and when it happens!)

And then there's the multitude of gorgeous baby pics from other friends - "three months old today" or "eight weeks and first smile" the proud mamas say.

Argh. So jealous.

In my previous pregnancy, I did post a regular pic of my bump growing and I did do the normal womb pic but now I've gone through the heartache of a miscarriage, I just know I won't be like that next time around. I would hate for my female friends who may be desperate to be pregnant or have suffered a miscarriage to see my wobbly bits getting wobblier and constant reminders of what they want so badly.