Miscarriage

I lost our baby.

At 12 weeks and, ever so cruelly, just hours before our first scan, I lost our baby.

Even though I'd even hinted in my first post that I didn't think all was well, total devastation took over on that horrible day and has been hanging over us for a long while since.

Miscarriage is horrifically common - one in four pregnancies end in fetal death - but even though these statistics are there and you probably know at least a couple of people who've been through one or more, it does not prepare you for the hurt, anguish, pain and guilt that arrives when it's your turn.

Was it me? Did I eat something? Do something? When could it have happened? Was it when I tumbled at soft play? Was it that time I slept on my tummy? Ate coleslaw without checking it was safe to do so?

You can't help but question yourself.

But unfortunately - or maybe fortunately - you'll very rarely find out what the exact cause of death was. Early on, in the first 12 weeks, the majority of miscarriage is put down to chromosomal defects. The baby just isn't quite wired right for life on this planet.

And that brings you to then think, as the healing starts to take over, maybe it was for the best that our little angel has passed. Life limiting illnesses, disabilities, learning difficulties - that's no life for a child or their families.

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely anti abortion and would never "dispose" of a child just because *I*couldn't cope - that's selfish, stupid and wrong. But, I would not want to bring a child into this world knowing he or she was going to live for just a small amount of time or be riddled with all types of illnesses for all of their life. I think that's equally selfish. And in our case, having a two year old already, I don't think it would be fair on her.

But none of this crosses your mind as the days melt into one, the dark hole of grieving for your baby. The little bundle of gorgeousness that you wanted so desperately to hold in your arms and watch grow and develop. The baby you'd already given names to, chosen how you were going to announce he or she was growing in your tummy and then, eventually, that joyous day when you can finally show him or her off to the world.

Gone. In an instant.

It's said that time is a great healer and I'm finding that to be true. Sixteen weeks has passed and we are moving on and although I'll never forget our baby that was too beautiful for this earth, our thoughts are now turning to trying again. Our daughter remains a constant source of love and happiness and I thank every lucky star that we have her in our lives.